Sports Blog

// All sports, all the time. Or something like that.

Hi, My name is Jose Canseco, and I...

// September 2nd, 2008 at 2:16 pm

...just crawled out of Satan's anus
...am part Norwegian Bull
...ate Mark McGwire
...have starred in gay movies
...to this day had one of the best mullets in baseball
...eat gun powder and dog food for breakfast
...sleep on my bowflex machine
...have sex with steroids
...listen to bel biv devoe
...have a twin brother with even less talent than myself
...wish I never left the Oakland A's

Are you ready for some football?

// August 14, 2008 at 2:30 pm

It seems like just yesterday Eli Manning threw the touchdown that propelled the New York Giants into a stunning victory over the juggernaut New England Patriots, thus ending an attempt at a perfect season and causing coach Bill Belichick to question the makeup of his team and his decision to cut all the sleeves off his sweatshirts. 2008 has arrived, and with the release of EA’s Madden 2958 on the horizon, I would like to provide a quick rundown of what I predict for an exciting upcoming football season. Here are a few of the teams I think will be the teams to watch. HIKE!

* Oakland Raiders:

I’ll start with my favorite team, the Oakland Raiders. With a 2nd year quarterback still developing, and the top running back in the draft, the question most raider fans will be asking this year is: Will any games be televised this year?

Strengths: A loyal fanbase ready to kick, scream, and stab for their favorite team. Also, with the addition of Arkansas RB Darren McFadden, you can expect Oakland to live up to it’s reputation as The Raider Gang Nation.

Weaknesses: Not enough police presence at the game to keep those loyal fans from killing eachother, causing a lack of sellouts leading to more non-televised games.

Prediction: Darren McFadden will lead the league this season in baby’s mama’s.

* Miami Dolphins:

After a long offseason of bickering between Bill Parcells, the Miami Dolphins, and Jason Taylor, I firmly believe that the Dolphins are in gear, and ready to shoot for a title. Not a division title, a dancing with the stars title. Hopefully next time, that bitch Christie Yamaguchi won’t be involved.

Strengths: Thanks to Jason Taylor’s appearance on Dancing With the Stars, the Miami Dolphins can return to their place as one of the league’s most popular teams thanks to a rise in interest from the local Gay community. They will also have a shot in the arm thanks to the return of their beloved mascot Snowflake, recently returned safely thanks to none other than Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

Weaknesses: They are still the Miami Dolphins.

Prediction: Bill Parcells belt line will eventually rise up and over his head, causing him to be unable to breathe or color his hair candy cotton yellow.

* Atlanta Falcons:

Finally, the Michael Vick era has come to an end and the Atlanta Falcons can move ahead with a painfully normal team. It will be interesting to see how they move on from Vick’s amazing passing numbers of around 120 yards passing a game, epic stats had he been quarterbacking a pop warner team in Ohio. So what’s next for the Falcons?

Strengths: They drafted a top quarterback, hired a new coach, and have re-bolstered their defense. They appear poised to compete for the coveted 3rd place slot in the NFC South.

Weaknesses: They still have PETA boycotting their games, which will hurt the sales of hot dogs and chicken. Their food sales will have to rely solely on the attendance of the Ying Yang Twins. Also, with a severe lack of talent, this team has less stars than the Chevy Chase Celebrity Roast.

Prediction: DE Jonathan Babineaux will lead the team in passing, while Michael Vick’s “Ron Mexico” jersey will still be a top selling item at the Falcons Team Store.

* New England Patriots:

The 2007-2008 “not quite World Champions” look to re-bound from a stunning Super Bowl loss to the “not sure they should’ve been there” New York Giants. The offseason brought many key losses to their roster, as well as controversy surrounding the Spy-gate issue, in which the Patriots were unfairly questioned and punished for cheating fair and square. Remember kids, in the words of Al Bundy: “It’s only cheating if you get caught.” Right Bill?

Strengths: The team has invested a lot of time and money into a new technology in which they have secretly planted computer chips in opposing team’s under armour athletic wear that controls the neurotoxins in the brain which help you hold onto the ball and remember the plays. While this was previously tested and was unsuccessful with Reggie Jackson in the movie “The Naked Gun”, a few technological tweaks have led to the perfection of the new system.

Weaknesses: They will no longer to be able to blatantly cheat the system, and will have be disadvantaged by drawing up plays and having to guess what their opponent is going to do.

Prediction: Tom Brady’s perfect girlfriend, looks, and life will lead to a jealous revolt in the locker room in which he is killed by the rest of the team. They will be forced to rely on second-string QB Matt Cassell who exists primarily in video games, and is mythical in existence.

.: © 2005 Dan Wilson Comedy :.